My Holes, My Holes!

The following photographs were taken by Matt Johnstone and myself and are among my favorite of the bunch.

The Shirtless one was in the morning. It shows the bruising that I was told would happen as I heal. I like the thuggish, boxer-like quality. Definitely a character actor type.

The Bunny Baby was taken in the waiting room of a doctor today. It represents the down trodden direction my day is going.

The top pic is with synchronized swimmers right outside my hotel room door in the parking lot. At first we thought they were cheerleaders, but then I read their shirts more closely and realized the amazing truth. They have a competition at Stanford tomorrow. I felt great that we captured this incredible experience.

MY HOLES: I thought this was going to be a blog about my jaw surgery adventures and it is. But it is really about all of my holes, unfortunately.

• Mouth: jaw and teeth and throat pressures and pain, and not being able to talk or chew.
  
• Nose: crooked as sin UPDATE: NOSE CORRECTION SURGERY HAS BEEN MOVED FROM THE DR"S OFFICE TO STANFORD HOSPITAL ON TUESDAY. THIS GIVES THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEDATE ME.
• Ears:intermittent earaches from the pressure of the swelling, which I am happy to say are gone for now.
• Pee hole: became painful due to catheter insertion problems. I am happy to say no more pain!
• Eyes: no problems except I have to SEE all of this going on on MY body.
• Butt: This is my newest and worst problem. More scary than nose surgery, more painful than jaw surgery. This was an unexpected thing that is making me regret everything:

I DIDN'T TAKE THE STOOL SOFTENER IN TIME. THOSE NARCOTIC PAIN KILLERS MAKE YOU CONSTIPATED. WHEN I TRIED TO HAVE A BM I CREATED AN ANAL FISSURE WHICH MUST EQUAL THE PAIN OF HAVING A BABY.

According to the first dr. I went to today, I had a hemorrhoidal thrombosis which could be quickly eased by a surgeon's scalpel cut. But the surgeon said i actually had this fissure thing. I am trying a creme and hot baths first. If that doesn't work, then this nitrc oxide creme which relaxes the sphincter or something with possible headaches as side effect. If that doesn't work there is a surgery option. I am starting to hate that word: surgery. I may have to get a tattoo when this is all done. Maybe some illustrations from the original "Wizard of Oz" books. Now I am back to feeling like that bunny again. Thank goodness Matt was here to chauffer me around today. And also that I can drink from a cup instead of syringe.

(There is a moral to this story: Don't try to do an enema when a stool softener is needed. Also get liquid stool softener, not capsules that you try to blend like I did. It tasted like death and I couldn't get it down. And I shot myself in the eye with the syringe. I think I might have been better if I did that softener sooner. I am getting an unfortunate education in bowel)

MORE PICTURES!

FIRST WEEK OF PICTURES

He said not to expect to look like Brad Pitt. Guess what, he was right!

In case you haven't noticed, my nose is the real concern here. This shows the freakish, lopsidedness of my nose. The collapse will be fixed on Tues. May 5.
Please click on photo to enlarge.

ENEMA, I thought this was about jaw surgery!

My Surgery was Wed. April 22, 2009. It is now Mon. April 27, 2009. I haven't taken a dump in 6 days! I am going to talk about it here! Soon. Put up with it and in exchange I will spare you any photographs of the red slug that I blew out of my nose (more on that later). Now I will list off various experiences. Many other bloggers have listed the excruciating details day by day. I will just throw you some meaty things.

• I was very excited to finally have this surgery. I put half of my life into whatever it took to make it here. I had a little fear but I put on a confident face because my parents were with me and I needed to instill a confident feeling in them.
• I made my dad photograph a variety of things to document them and provide distraction from stressful situations.
• I have been learning about and using "Young's Living Oils" to help promote healing and reduce blood loss during surgery. The Doctor and anesthesiologist allowed me to use them, SHOCKINGLY. 20 min. before surgery I took a special potion.
• Apparently I bled more than most people. It's not to say they didn't work but my previous cosmetic surgeries on my face took it's toll and created more work and complications.
• My chin implant was being removed but the tissues were badly scarred making the natural chin advancement tricky. He said it was successful but took longer than most at around 5 hours. I was completely comfortable the whole time.
  
• My nose collapsed due to the instability of it. I look crazy now, like a boxer who'd been punched in the face a lot. And like a Pinocchio puppet head or Donatella Versace. This will be corrected Tues. May 5. (The Happiest Cinco De Mayo Ever!) with an operation that changed times each day he saw me: 20 min, 25 min, 30 min, 45 min. It will be done under local anesthesia. He asked me if I was a wimp. (Hinting it wasn't going to be fun to watch. Hello, my eyes will be shut for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• I was in ICU Intensive Care Unit for one night and then regular hospital for the next. I got to go back to the hotel on the third day at 10am. I was so excited!
  
• There are many different nurses and technicians that you meet when in the hospital with unique personalities and hairstyles.
• So my mouth is wired shut for 5 weeks. It's so the new position can hold while bone fills in. I went back and forth about gaining weight before surgery because I didn't want to waste away. I ate junk food for 2 weeks, lost my 6 pak, went back to healthy diet. Now I am experimenting with different healthy things I can squeeze through a large syringe into my mouth. And also some fattening things. But blenders don't liquefy the food enough and eating (drinking) is a whole process that requires nudity, towels, blending, re blending, doing the laundry when food sprays on your clothes, then rinsing the mouth with that syringe so much that it wears out in a day. (There's a Whole Foods pretty close to the hotel). This 60 cc syringe is like a new twist on the "crazy straw". It could be the new fun sensation. It's like a bodybuilder clown's injection of oral steroids. FEED AND GROW
  

1. loads of different protein powders and green drinks and meal replacement drinks
   
2. sweet and savory juices
3. soups and broths
4. macaroni and cheese or beef
5. liquefied deli meats
6. rice cereal
7. gojiberry juice
8. Julie's Vanilla and Julie's Moca Java ice cream (with a serving of Metamucil) is the best!
9. boxed cereal crushed
10. sweet potatoes, yams, avocados
11. cottage cheese
12. yogurt
13. raw eggs just blended in
14. soba noodles

• Which leads me to this word constipation. I usually go to the bathroom 3 times a day. But I have stopped for 6 days. I felt great, unfortunately I panicked and decided I better get things moving. The Dr. suggested Colase which is a stool softener. What do all of these words mean. Sounds strange to me. I don't want to turn out like Dana Hill or Heather O'Rourke though (child stars dead through not being able to go, maybe my own weird memory) so maybe just doing an enema would be a more natural way of starting the process. Will update soon. "Barry takes first dump". Why, today I can write "Barry drank from a cup for the first time". Hooray!
• One night I kinda freaked out because I couldn't breathe out of nose or and mouth was filling with saliva too quick. The Dr. said to take steamy showers and use a saline spray in the nose which did the trick. I learned a new home remedy. To release the blockage you force air through the loosened tissues and I totally blew out red slime that looked like a slug which oozed toward the drain in the sink like a real slug. I almost had to photograph it. But I could breathe and all the slime running down my face is worth it.
• I decided to buy a new recovery wardrobe so when i flew to San Jose, I purposely didn't bring any clothes. Then I had my friend John whisk me to American Apparel where I paraded around the store for an hour trying on clothes and leaving most in the dressing room somewhat crumpled. But I bought a lot: some gorgeous t shirts and sweats and a weird purple sheer shirt that looks like a long mini skirt dress. (Why did I buy that?) I also got the softest sweatshirt ever in an amazing boysenberry jelly belly color. I thought, who cares how much it costs? I could be dead on the operating table so spend away. Later I realized this was actually not so smart because food would probably end up staining everything. Also some of their clothes aren't so functional, like the x-tra large red sweat pants that are too tight, have no pockets, and a crazy long waistband tie that hangs to the knees!
• So going on walks is encouraged and speeds up recovery. I try to take 2 a day even if it's walking around in a Walgreen's. I actually have a ton of energy but my face and head kind of feel like they are filled with rocks. There is a lot of swelling and the bruising migrated from my neck to my chest (all normal).
  

Goodbye Witch chin, I'll soon be Bionic!

So in 6 hours my dad will drive me to Stanford where I will have the operation that I should have had at age 18! All of my wishing and preparing is finally about to be. I am so happy that my snoring and apnea will be over and my witch's chin implant will be removed and replaced with bone and metal. I can finally say I have metal screws in me (funny how I was always a bit jealous of those people who could say that). I am happy that I will be allowed to use magical healing oils (the same that a witch would use!) in order to heal faster and not loose too much blood (I am ready for the doctors to be asking for the recipes). I know the first few days will be pretty weird and uncomfortable but I am looking forward to lots of bed rest and watching the 20 videos my friends gave me! Hooray, soon I will say: I'M BIONIC!

"Welcome To My Hell" or UCLA: No Way!

Over the many years I have researched ways to fix sleep apnea:

• Lose weight (I'm thin enough)
  
• Have your uvula shaved down (My dad and neighbor did it, it doesn't work)
• Wear a CPAP machine (No one should have to endure that torture device. It makes my skin bloody, deforms my nose, dries out my throat etc.)
• Mouth Guard (Who wants to sleep with a chunk of plastic in mouth, damages teeth)
• Deviated septum surgery (Been there, done that, no avail)
• Sleep on side (Um, hello? Why can't I be free to sleep any way I want?)
• If the problem is in the throat it must be some words that need to be acknowledged and flushed down toilet (If only...)
• Spend 600 dollars at an Osteopath who can't treat it so finds digestion problems to treat instead.
• Special pillows (I don't think so)
• Tracheotomy (that's too extreme-even for me)

Ok so I investigated and I found this topic the same as hair growth and weight loss remedies: just a way for someone to make money off of us poor desperate souls.

So I researched specialists who could do a major chop and paste and open the airway in the throat. A combination of operations which has a 95 percent success rate. Mandibular advancement: Moving the jaws forward.

THE COST: Well I thought I would go to UCLA because of their reputation. To make a long story short it was a hell. I decided to let the resident (student) dentists do the work to save money. They would be overseen by the head of the oral surgery department. Unfortunately the administration had problems and strung me along with wrong phone numbers, unreturned calls, and insurance issues. I was ready to pay what ever and have whoever do what ever but they weren't. Every time I called was a disappointment. Even the head Oral Surgeon said "Welcome to my Hell!" (Not a good sign) Oh, then this one went on vacation, then that one, oh and wait a week for that one.

The last straw was a sleep study I had at UCLA on Feb 11,09. They put their sleep study department next to the elevator mechanism, so it sounded like a train/roller coaster was randomly going through the room all night. The nurse told me that everyone complains and I should too. Then she added that that used to be the children's wing and the children cried all night because of that horrible sound! See the photo above to see me the night of the ordeal.

In the mean time I've been having on going emails with the very internet savy Dr. Kasey Li. He is world renown and expensive. Who cares. I decided to stop this apnea at any cost. I decided I have "Infinite Abundance" and that I am worth the best. It was weird at first to think about flying to Palo Alto for a consultation but after I made up my mind, it seemed normal. People do it all the time. He looked at me, talked to me, answered questions and a date was planned: in a couple months. EASY and here I am now. 33 hours until surgery!